The Saga of a Light Momentary Weird Affliction

        Dear friends, for the past two weeks I have been wallowing in the valley of what the Apostle Paul termed as “a light, momentary affliction” on the road to glory.  And it all started with something that was just plain “weird.”

        About five years ago I noticed a small growth forming on my right wrist.  My first thought was, “This is what happens to old people.”  Then I remembered that I am one of the old people!  So I went to see my good friend, the founding father and grand potentate of all things orthopedic, Dr. Gordon Kammire who did a thorough examination and x-rayed that sucker before making his bona fide diagnosis.   “Ray,” he said.  “That thing is just plain weird.”  Now that I had the official medical ruling I decided to leave weird enough alone.

        Over time it grew larger and a second growth was forming.  I tried to recall if I had been abducted by aliens as I searched for a rationale for this enlarging weirdness.  People were starting to notice my abnormality and comforting me by saying:  “What is that weird thing on your hand!”  I went back to Dr. Kammire who said we could either whop that sucker with a big, heavy Bible (KJV-Red Letter Edition) or he could cut it out.  Not wanting to endanger a Bible, I opted for the latter.  The good doctor proceeded to prescribe some high octane pain killers and told me he would see me at the hospital.

        Now friends, I must tell you that I was treated like royalty when I arrived at Lexington Medical Center for my surgery.  They commenced to work me over from head to toe, telling me that everything was going to be all right, and asking me if I had any concerns.  “My only concern,” I said, “Is what my sermon is going to sound like after I take those heavy duty pain killers?”  They said they sure would like to be there to hear it!

 They explained that they wouldn’t be putting me to sleep, just my arm.  This was fine with me.  I could see myself back in surgery shooting the breeze with Dr. Kammire while he was whacking away on my hand.  They starting poking around in my shoulder and told me if my arm started twitching, that was a good sign.  Well before I could announce the hymn, my arm was flopping around like I was directing the choir. 

Everything was looking good, and I kept waiting for my arm to go night- night, but it didn’t happen.  They were getting ready to roll me into surgery and Dr. Kammire was raring to go, but my arm was no more asleep than a kid on Christmas Eve.  I mentioned it to a nurse who told me not to worry; they always had a backup plan. I could see them giving me a shot of whiskey and a leather strap to place between my teeth as I would say in my best John Wayne voice, “Start cutting Pilgrim, and don’t stop until we send that sucker back where he belongs.”

As they rolled me into the operating room I told everyone how much it reminded me of the embalming room where I used to work in my former life in LA (lower Alabama).  I remember saying that our patients never talked back.  That was when they put this mask on my face and told me to breathe deeply and I quit talking back.

Well friends, things got interesting after they hushed me up.  Dr. Kammire cut that growth wide open and what he found inside was weird.  He sent that sucker to pathology and after running a myriad of tests they agreed, it was just plain weird.  Meanwhile, I woke up to find my right arm bandaged up like an Egyptian mummy.   I’ve been totally helpless since my surgery which has been both humbling and enlightening.  Believing that God brings good out of every situation, even weird ones, I found this scripture:  “Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.”  (Psalm 51:6 KJV)

I could not have asked for better medical care.  Dr. Gordon Kammire and his colleagues are the best orthopedic surgeons you will find anywhere.  The entire outpatient staff was exceptional.  From the minute I walked in the door I was treated with kindness, respect, and compassion.  Everyone was friendly and showed genuine concern.  I’m healing up nicely and believe it or not, I haven’t taken a single one of those pain killers.  We are blessed in Lexington to have such an exceptional hospital and compassionate heath care professionals.