Friday, December 27, 2013

A Letter To Kate Elizabeth and Ella Grace Kirkendall

Here is the letter that I wrote to Ella Grace and Kate Elizabeth Kirkendall.  I read this at their Daddy's funeral on December 27.  I will give copies to Holly to give to the girls when they get older.  Several people have asked for a copy of the letter.  Here is the letter as I read it at the service.


December 27, 2013

Dear Kate Elizabeth and Ella Grace,

        One day you will read this letter and you will read about one of the most remarkable, courageous and influential men I have ever known; your Daddy.  You were only 3 when your Daddy died, he was only 40.  I know you probably have some memories of him and you have grown up seeing pictures and hearing many people talk about him.  Let me tell you how I knew your Dad.

        I first met your Daddy when he was only 16 years old and a sophomore in high school.  I had moved to Lexington as the new minister at First Baptist Church and Chad was in the same class as our oldest son.  He always had the greatest smile and seemed so happy.  I remember when he graduated from high school in 1992 and went to Chapel Hill to the University of North Carolina.

        When your Daddy went into business, he quickly became known as someone people could depend on.  He had such a great personality and was always positive and optimistic.  When you needed him, he would be right there.  We had an emergency one day when the kitchen sink overflowed and the next day the floor started to buckle.  I called your Daddy and in no time he was there, setting up fans under the house and in the kitchen.  He saved our kitchen floor, and when I asked him how much I owed him, he wouldn’t let me pay him.  “All I did was set up a few fans,” he said.  “And I wasn’t going to be using them anyway.”  Your Daddy was a man of integrity who was honest, dependable, and trustworthy.  Everyone loved your Dad. 

        He was a faithful Christian and his dedication and kindness led to him being elected as one of the youngest deacons in our church.  The way he lived his life was an example for everyone to follow.

        Everybody in town was excited when your Daddy and Mommy found each other and announced that they would be married.  We all believed that it was a match made in heaven, and I really think it was.  They were such a happy couple and we all wanted them to live happily ever after, but as you know, real life doesn’t always have happy endings.

        On a beautiful Saturday morning, April 28, 2007, your Grandfather died suddenly.  Your Daddy loved his Daddy and they were very close.  I had to call your Daddy and tell him the terrible news.  He was devastated, but knew he had to be strong and brave for your Grandmother.  He quickly came to comfort your Grandmother.  While your Daddy was heartbroken, he told me that he knew his Daddy was in heaven and one day he would see him again.

        I’ve never known your Daddy to be a public speaker, but he stood up at your Grandfather’s funeral and gave a moving and heartfelt tribute.  So did your Aunt Kristi.  Everyone was deeply moved.

        The sadness over your Grandfather’s sudden death was later tempered by the news that your Mommy and Daddy were having a baby.  Everyone was so excited over this good news!  I remember people saying that if anyone deserved a precious little baby, it was Chad and Holly.  Your Daddy worked so hard to get the nursery ready.  On July 29, 2009, your Mommy went to the hospital to give birth to your little brother, Matthew.  But something went terribly wrong and Matthew did not live.  Your parents were devastated.

        The funeral for little Matthew was one of the saddest gatherings I have ever seen.  Everyone’s heart was broken.  There were many, many tears.  Your Daddy had a very hard time dealing with Matthew’s death.  For the first time, I thought his smile might go away.  But it did not.  Because your Daddy had a remarkable faith that was deep and strong, he worked through his grief.  He knew that Matthew was in heaven, and that somehow, in ways we could not understand, God had a bigger plan and purpose.

        We were all praying that God would bless your parents with another baby.  Not only were our prayers answered, but God provided a double blessing when you girls were born on September 29, 2010.  Your Daddy was so proud and so happy.  His smile was brighter than ever before.  He had two precious baby girls and he loved you so very much.  On Mother’s Day, 2011, your Daddy and Mommy dedicated you to God.  Never has a Father been any prouder of his children as he and your Mom stood holding you with a great, big smile.

        Your Daddy had already been through so much sadness and tragedy that I couldn’t believe that there would ever be any more.  But there are so many things in life over which we have no control.  I saw him at the church one day late in 2012 and noticed he was limping.  “What happened to you?” I asked.  “I don’t know,” your Daddy responded.  “I don’t know what I have done.”

Your Daddy had not done anything.  Little did he, his doctors, or anyone else know that a deadly cancer had attacked his body.  It wasn’t until later that it was diagnosed and when it was, he started a long and courageous battle against the disease, finding the best doctors and treatment that were available, and all the time believing that God would work through the doctors to heal his body.  We all believed he would be healed.  We prayed and prayed.  Through social media thousands of people learned about your Daddy and prayed for him. We all wore blue ribbons and had prayer vigils when he had surgery at Duke Hospital in May.  His story inspired people he never even met and brought people in our town together in a marvelous way.  Your Daddy’s friends came together and provided remarkable support and love for him and your mom.  In all my years of ministry I don’t think I have ever seen such an amazing outpouring of love and support from an entire community.

  Your Daddy’s life, his courageous fight against cancer, and his unquenchable faith touched and inspired thousands of people.  Your Mommy was right there with him the whole time.  She was so strong and brave.  When I would tell your Daddy how many lives he was touching and people he was inspiring, he would smile and say he was thankful that God was using him.  But there were two lives that he was most concerned about, and that was you, his two girls.  This is what I want you to tell you about your Daddy:

Your Daddy’s faith in God, his courage in suffering, his powerful spirit will always be there for you as a witness and an example in times of trouble.  I hope and pray you will never have to go through the hard times that your parents went through, but we never know what life will bring.  But always remember that when trouble comes, when you find yourself in a painful situation, when there is suffering and heartache, you can work through it, you can overcome it, you can emerge victorious because your Daddy did.  He never gave up, he never lost hope, he never quit believing that God had a bigger plan and purpose for his suffering.  I know that God used your Daddy’s faith to inspire other people, and I also know that God will use his example to guide and inspire you throughout the rest of your life.  If ever you find yourself in a situation in which you are simply overwhelmed and feel like giving up, remember your Daddy and know that you can find that same strength, the same faith, and the same courage that he had.

Ella and Kate, the most important thing I want to know is this:  Your Daddy will always be with you.

How do I know this?  Because your Daddy loved you than you can ever imagine.  And love is eternal.  The Bible tells us that love never ends.  Death can destroy a lot of things, but it cannot take away love.  The power of love is greater than sickness, suffering, disease, pain, and death.  Your Daddy’s love will always be with you.

Whenever you accomplish something great in life, your Daddy will be with you, his smile and his love will surround you.  When you graduate from high school and college, your Daddy will be right there with you, smiling with pride over all you have achieved.  One great day, when you find the right person for your life and it is time to walk down the aisle of the church to exchange your wedding vows, your Daddy will be walking right beside with the biggest smile as he shares in your joy. 

And one day, many, many years from now hopefully, when death does come as it comes for all of us, do not be afraid, because your Daddy will be standing right there with Jesus to welcome you home.

A few weeks before he died, your Daddy told me that he was not afraid of death, but he didn’t want to leave his family.  And then he said, “I don’t want my girls to forget me.”

I assured your Daddy that it would never happen and that is one reason I wrote you this letter.  I wanted you to hear my story of one of the most courageous and faithful men I have ever known in all my years of ministry.  He loved God.  He was a faithful friend.  He loved his family.  He loved your Mommy. And he loved his baby girls.  I will never forget him.  I’m a better person because of him.  Your life will always be enriched, empowered, and inspired because he will always be with you. 

Sincerely with love,

 

Ray N. Howell III

 

       

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

My Friend Chad


        My friend Chad Kirkendall fought the good fight.  If ever anyone fought the good fight it was Chad.  He was strong, courageous and faithful against impossible odds.  His entire life was an inspiration, his optimistic spirit was contagious, and his unquenchable faith was a powerful witness to all. 

        I first met Chad when he was in high school.  He always had that winsome personality and that charming smile, even as a teenager.  I remember the excitement when Chad and Holly were engaged and we planned their wedding.  It was a unique time of joy and happiness for all of us.

        Then came that terrible Saturday when I had to call Chad and tell him the news over the phone that no one should ever have to hear that way.  His father had died suddenly of a massive heart attack.  Joyce and I had gone to the house to tell Becky.  Kristi and Dave were on the church retreat down at Caswell.  Chad didn’t deserve to hear the news that way, but at that moment I reasoned his mother needed him more.  We didn’t feel that we could leave Becky, so I called Chad to not only tell him of the tragedy of his father’s death, but that his mother needed her son.  In just a few minutes he was there. 

        I remember how, even then, he handled that devastating news with such dignity, courage, and grace. 

        Bobby was gone, but the sadness that Chad and all the family felt was soon tempered by the joyful news that Holly was expecting.  Chad would soon be a daddy and they were having a baby boy!

        We left to go to Belize that summer on the youth mission trip knowing that the baby would probably be born while we were gone.  I remember Chad’s joyous grin as he relished in the excitement and anticipation of his son’s birth.  I remember saying something to Chad like, “You’ll be a daddy by the time we get back.”

        He was.  But once again there was tragedy.

        Matthew was born but there were immediate complications.  Shortly after his birth he died.  Chad and Holly were devastated.  It should not have happened.  Especially not to this deserving couple.  They had recently experienced one tragedy, now another.  He had lost his father.  Now he lost his son.

        I arrived home in time for the funeral.  It was one of the saddest gatherings I could ever recall.  Little Matthew’s casket was so small, yet the grief was so large.  A very big crowd of mourners, everyone with broken hearts, stood by—everyone wanting to do more than was humanly possible.  Everyone was united in a common grief. 

        I remember going to see Chad and Holly shortly after the funeral.  As a minister, I deal with sadness and crisis on a daily basis, but rarely had I ever experienced anything as heartbreaking as this.  Chad and Holly were thrown into a deep, dark pit of grief.  The pain was agonizing. There was a void, a gap, never to be filled.

        Chad’s effervescent smile didn’t disappear completely, but it was mighty dim.  Slowly, gradually, and painfully, he started to recover.  Matthew would always be a part of Chad’s life, in a much larger way that any of us could imagine at the time, but we could see Chad and Holly emerging from the valley of darkness and slowly returning to the light. 

        There is always a light that shines in the darkness.  There is always hope on the horizon of despair.  One day we heard the exciting news that Holly was expecting again!

        Chad and Holly were blessed again with the gift of life, only this time it was a double blessing!  After the tragedy at Matthew’s birth, there were many, many prayers as Holly approached her delivery date.  God answered those prayers in a wonderful way when Ella Grace and Kate Elizabeth were born.  Everyone who knew Chad and Holly rejoiced.  Yes, God is good . . .

        And then . . .

        The first time I realized something was wrong with Chad was late last year when I saw him at the church.  He was limping and I asked him what was wrong.  He didn’t know.  I never thought it would be anything serious.

        I saw Chad again early in the year.  His limp was much more pronounced and Chad was very frustrated that the doctors could not figure out what was going on.  He was going the next week to have some more tests run.  Surely, there is an explanation.  Surely, this is something that can be resolved. 

        There was an explanation . . . .

        Most of you know the rest of the story.  The news kept going from bad to worse.  Chad never got a break.  Sunday morning Chad died at the Hinkle Hospice House.  Life isn’t fair and if anyone has experienced this truth, it has been Chad.

        Throughout this entire ordeal I have witnessed the most remarkable and courageous journey of faith.  Chad never gave up, never lost his faith, never lost hope.  Even in the end when it was apparent that physical healing would not take place, Chad believed that God had a bigger plan.  Chad is one of the strongest, most courageous men I have ever known.

        Chad’s journey has been an inspiration to thousands of people.  He has touched people in ways that we will never know.  Through social media, his story has been told across the nation.  God has used Chad in a powerful way.

        I don’t pretend to understand why good people like Chad suffer.  Several people asked me if my last article about hoping in the “not-yet” was about Chad.  It wasn’t directly, but I certainly had him in mind.  (The article is below this one)

        Last week I had a visit with Chad.  I said, “Chad, I don’t have any answers.  I don’t even know the right questions.  But something tells me that a thousand years from now it will not matter.  We will all be together and we will all understand.”

        Chad smiled—that amazing smile.

        On Sunday morning Chad smiled as never before when we walked into the arms of Jesus, and his daddy, and his son . . .

       

Saturday, December 7, 2013

ADVENT: HOPING IN THE "NOT-YET"


        The emaciated body of my friend was difficult to see.  He sat in a recliner but was not comfortable.  There were gaping holes in his hair as the chemotherapy was taking its toll.  The radiation had left burn marks on his skin.  He was a relatively young man with a family.  He was athletic, strong and active; always healthy—until this—until this cancer had ravaged his body and was hammering away against his soul. 

        “There is one thing I don’t understand, preacher,” he said with a pained and weary expression on his face.  I waited a moment.  He was in deep thought.  The silence was pregnant with the somber fact we both knew he was in his last days. 

        “I’m on prayer lists all over this country.  People I don’t even know are praying for me.  I’ve always tried to be a good Christian.  I have lived my life doing the right thing.  So many people are praying for me—and I’m not getting any better.  I just don’t understand.” 

        As an old preacher who has been around for a long time, I don’t understand it either.  A few weeks after my friend shared this with me, he was dead.  Some people would say he didn’t have enough faith.  (That’s baloney!)   Others might say that it wasn’t God’s will for him to live.  (Really!)  Some well meaning people even said God needed him more than we did.  (What kind of God would do this?)  But people of the deepest faith acknowledged that our finite understanding will not allow us to comprehend this great mystery.  We simply do not know why. 

        Many of you will listen to the words of the prophet Isaiah in the morning as you worship on the Second Sunday of Advent.  You will hear how animals who are natural enemies will lie down together and a small child will play with them.  Last Sunday we heard about the day when swords would be beaten into plowshares and nations would not lift up swords against other nations, neither would they learn war any more. 

        The season of Advent poses a big dilemma for us that in many ways relates to my friend’s situation.  During Advent we hear these Old Testament prophecies of the coming one who will defeat the powers of evil, reign triumphantly over his people and establish peace and harmony in our troubled world.  He will be the “Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, and Prince of Peace.” 

        Well, he came.  Christ was born.  The Son of God came and lived and preached about the Kingdom of God.  But 2,000 years later we continue to be plagued by wars and the forces of evil.  There is much suffering and pain.  People continue to die of cancer even though they are on prayer lists all over the country.  How do we reconcile this dilemma?

        The coming of Christ was the beginning of hope.  His advent propelled us into a world of promise which is understood in terms of expectation.  Yes, our world is full of pain and suffering and death, but it is also full of hope and promise and life because of Christ.  As people of hope we are constantly drawn toward the future as we walk on that narrow ridge between the disappearing “now” and the ever newly appearing “not-yet.”  Paul wrote that if we hope for what we do “not-yet” have, we wait for it patiently. 

        Every Sunday of Advent we light a candle to signify the light that shines in our darkness.  No matter how desperate the situation, no matter how dark the night, there is always light, there is always hope.  We look to the “not-yet” of fulfillment, healing, love, and peace. 

        I didn’t have an answer for my friend that day.  All I could tell him was that even though I don’t understand, I do know that this is not the end.  There is more, there is always more.  Cancer, sickness, suffering and death are never the final answers.  There is more that we will experience one day, but “not-yet.”  Simply knowing this makes life better.  Our hope of the ‘not-yet’ in the future transforms life today and gives us reason to keep on believing.  No, I didn’t have an answer for him that day—but he has the answer now!